For the first time in forever, I have started playing Christmas songs.
The holidays makes me depressed, you see. So this is a big thing for me. So monumental that I can only heave a sigh of relief.
My depression around the holidays started a long time ago – ever since I can remember – maybe I was 9 yrs old. When my tumultuous family life consumed me and changed my view of family, holidays and reunions forever.
My Mother married young. She had me when she was at the peak of her acting career, when she was just starting to shine and finally realizing what she really want in life after being the second daughter in a family of 9. She finally found her voice after trying to raise it for so long to be heard among the other 8 siblings she had.
But then, she met my Dad. A military man who was a Mama’s boy, womanizer and later on – an alcoholic.
And so creating a progeny of such a background, I grew up in the scrutiny of relatives, strangers and a bevy of household help.
I dreaded the holidays – the meeting of all relatives where they see you once a year and judge as you try your best to look happy in Christmasy red attire – all bows and lace and prim and proper.
I never realized the whole reason why I was not happy about the holidays. Christmas songs made me sad and weepy, come Christmas eve and I am full of dread.
But now I know. And even though I am not there yet – I still feel sad and weepy sometimes, I do play and listen to Christmas songs now.
And that’s a start.
About Goddamn time!