I have just been coming to the realization that I have been so clueless, so selfish in the past that I am in awe as to how the people around me stayed with me. How were they able to withstand my selfish behaviors, my childish whining, my incessant nagging? They must be pretty good friends, good people. And I know that I am lucky.
Come to think of it – I have always wondered how I have lapses in my memory. Some are hazy and blurry and some I don’t remember at all. Could it be my sense of self-preservation? Knowing that I did wrong before, trying not to dwell in the past and just moving forward the best way I can.
They are slowly coming back now – the memories of the past. The wrongdoings, my flaws, my faults. And I have a lot of people I should be apologizing to: my parents, my friends, my siblings, my exes and even innocent bystanders somehow connected to and was in my life.
How do you apologize for something that happened a long time ago? Do they still remember? Had it been one of those “I-am-dying-so-I-have-to-tie-up-loose-ends” scenario, it probably would make more sense. But to come up now and see these people and reconcile, might be difficult, if not impossible.
Maybe if I blog about it and look back when I am ready, then at least I will have a guide to go by. A bucket list.
And so that’s what I decided to do in the coming days – write about past memories that somehow crept back in.